“The ghost of the past that haunts me” -when she opens up her heart.

(Note- my friend finally decided to pen down her terrible experiences growing up.) share if you think it is worthy. Thank you.

I am a very blessed person.I have an amazing life, wonderful friends,

the best possible husband and such a naughty darling for a kid. Yet my

childhood haunts me.People think, I had it all good being an only kid,

brought up in the middle east but it wasn’t so. My grandmother had

succeeded in drilling into my dad’s head that he would be less of a

man if he loved his wife or kid. To him, family was his mother,

siblings and their kids. Mom was simply his maid, and I, the maid’s

daughter.

Of course my mother was hurt, and this hurt, and anger at my dad, she

decided to send my way. To him, she was the perfect ‘parinitha’ (wife)…always

nodding her head in agreement no matter what he decided, never asking

for anything- not even the necessities. The more distance my dad

showed her, the more frustrations she would release on me. Being

pinched till the skin came off, being hit with anything in her arm’s

reach- wooden spoons, tennis racket, fly swatter, sandals, cable

wires, comb, hanger, metal ladle, rulers- anything.Any thing from

burning me to smearing me with fish innards. And i wasn’t allowed to

cry out loud or beg to stop. No matter how hard I tried, somewhere

around halfway into the torture session, i would beg and that was when

i would be thrown into a corner and kicked (with her slippers on) till

no energy was left in me to beg. I could really sense my unconditional

love for them disappear over time. I was always warned that if I dared

confess what happened then no one would ever love me. I strived hard

to please my parents, but they were never satisfied. My dad showered

expensive gifts on my cousins while i was given nothing. I believed it

was because of me- I was the bad egg. They never failed to insult me

in front of others. My talents in acting painting drawing clay

modeling etc were all discouraged. I was only allowed the academic

stuff and there too, inspite of being one of the best students, they

weren’t pleased. I was always told that i was a punishment to my

parents.Slowly it started sinking in me that i was unloved. I tried to

commit suicide a couple of times in between 6th – 8th grade. My

parents weren’t bothered. It broke me. I was constantly compared to

anyone and everyone. My mother would always say, she was going to ask

my friend to save some of her poop so i could feed on it and at least

be as worth as her poop. I was told that i was under a special

supervision and anyone who sat next to me was the teacher’s spy. I was

afraid to be friends with anyone because of the fear of having to eat

someone’s poop. I thought my mother was my friend. My mother loved me,

she was an overprotective parent until she would let loose the monster

in her. So I thought hostel and college was a new start and became

very close with my room mate.I didn’t believe my roommate when she

told me my mother called her and talked ill about me. My world came

crashing down when my roommate put her phone on speaker the next time

my mother called her. When I got amazing opportunities to work, my

parents denied it and forced me into a marriage. My dad never failed

to state how ugly i looked. Even a week before my engagement, my dad

asked me how I had guts to get up on the stage and stand next to a

handsome guy. I tried to call it off, but my then, fiance wouldn’t let

me. Nothing was my choice, not the sari, not the jewelry, nor how much

jewelry. After getting married, I was amazed as to how people buy

things of their like, how parents treated kids with respect and love

and most of all how being wanted makes you confident. I have gained a

lot of weight, but i have never felt more confident. I have had enough

confidence to go out and make friends. I have realized that I am worth

it. My parents still behave the same, my parents, always pointing out

how I am not a good mother, and my dad always trying to create fights

between my husband and me. Calling me names when my husband isn’t

around, treating me like a worthless piece of shit. But the difference

is I have decided to not let it bother me any longer. It is not easy,

when you have someone behind you, always reminding you, you are a

failure. I am still afraid to leave my dream , I am still waiting for

a good word from them which I know might not even come, but I am

fighting. I am fighting the feeling of being good for nothing, of

being someone no one can ever love. The only reason I wrote this is

because I want the people who have entered into the world of parenting out there to know how each thing you

say can contribute to your kid’s confidence. How those tender hearts

gets hurt and worst how certain incidents are branded into the brain.

I remember the pinching, beatings and kicking, right from when I

was around two years old to the time when my dad almost would have cut

my lips off,had my mother not intervened. Pain is difficult to forget,

be it physical or emotional. I need to forgive them to leave my past

behind but now that I have a kid of my own, it seems impossible. I

need to forget it all because the ghosts of my past surfaces once in a

while and creates issues in my smooth life now. A little patience you

show to your kid, might be their stepping stone to success , a little

praise might be their confidence.

-anon

PS:

( This is a guest post from one of my friend who wished to bring out her experiences she had while growing up)

Share if you think it needs to reach more people.

-Blogwithgokul

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.